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Job's anquish and struggle over losing his children speaks to the heart of grieving parents to protect them from blaming God. Patsy Rae Dawson shares insights gained about the book after experiencing the death of her son. She gives suggestions for helping those who have lost a child.Copyright © 2007 by Patsy Rae Dawson. See Rights Notice below.
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Listen to Sam's sermons on Job
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On May 6, 2003, the police woke us up at 3 in the morning to say, “Your son Westley passed away in Portland. You need to call the coroner's office.” When we were able to compose ourselves, we called the coroner. We suspected a car accident since he was only 21. Instead, the coroner said he had hung himself late the night before, “Apparently over a girlfriend as text messages and phone calls had gone on continuously while he drove from Seattle to Portland.” Later we learned he had driven to Seattle to try to make up with his girlfriend, only to discover she was in another state house-sitting. He roomed with a friend and his mother. A few miles from home, he called the boy and asked where the hangman's noose was that they had horsed around with sometime earlier. Alarmed, the boy told him to find it himself, and raced for home to intercept Wes. He arrived a few minutes too late, and the paramedics were unable to revive our son. Early that morning, my husband sent an e-mail with the subject “say a little prayer for us” to family and friends: Dear ones, |
Most of you know that Wes was adopted, and recently he had gotten interested in locating his birth mother. We were helping him do that, and in the last e-mail Patsy sent him, she mistakenly referred to his birth mother as his mother, and in his reply on Sunday, Wes scolded his mother, saying, "Please don't call her my mother. You're my only mother. She is just my birth mom, that is it. I love you and I miss you sooooo much. Westley Garrett Dawson." He had just turned 21 in March.
Wes told us several years ago he would like to donate his body to science, and after a year, he'll probably be cremated and buried with his great grandparents in a family plot in Hardesty, Oklahoma.
We appreciate you,
Sam and Patsy DawsonWhile it was still too early to call our immediate families, e-mails began pouring in, not only from people we knew, but from people they had forwarded our e-mail to who knew of our work. The offerings of prayer along with the warmth and love that flowed from their hearts in those early hours and days brought us comfort. Later, the sympathy cards began to arrive and continued the support, but that instant gift of concern through e-mails let us know we were not alone. We felt God's presence through the saying of so many prayers.
As we worked our way through our grief, trying to understand why Wes had done this, and what was the purpose for our lives now, two things stood out as healing protection:
The Protection of Studying the Book of Job
In 1985 when Wes was 3 and a delightful little toddler, Sam taught 10 sermons on the book of Job. With his scientific background, he developed the debate between God and Job after Job began to blame God for all his misery--the death of his children, the loss of his property, and finally the loss of his health. God reminded Job that he didn't begin to know how God worked in the realm of providence; sharing with Job the wonders of the world he created for us. The truth of many of those statements waited for science to catch up with them. Many wait still on our limited knowledge of our universe, for us to see more of God's glory.
Sam explored the false accusations of Job's three friends who came to comfort him, then stayed to condemn him for some unknown sin; otherwise, they assumed, why would God so punish him. Finally, Elihu, a young man, came on the scene to condemn their presumptuous attitudes of claiming to know what God thought and how he worked in the realm of providence.
Then Elihu turned to Job, whom God had bragged on to Satan as being sinless, to convict him of sin in his attitude of now blaming God. Elihu taught us that in times of tragedy, God wants us to learn some things from suffering, to re-examine our lives, and to move forward in a productive manner.
Although the long, cold finger of death had never touched our lives so intimately before Sam taught those lessons, now those teachings applied directly to us. They protected us from blaming God and from the anger that so many people experience after a close death. We grew closer to each other instead of apart as many parents do after losing a child.
The Protection of Returning to Meaningful Work
While we worked our way through our grief, we also focused on getting our minds back by returning to God's work. During those early months, Sam and I both made some special friendships through e-mail with people who had found our Web site and had questions about our teachings. Some knew about our loss, some didn't. Those friendships have endured to continue to bless our lives.
Recognizing how the words of the book of Job had been imprinted upon my mind during Sam's sermons to protect me during this time of raw grief, I went through Job again, this time paying more attention to how he dealt with the loss of his children. Before, I had focused on Job's great physical pain as his greatest calamity and failed to recognize his statements that are common to all grieving parents. Because I was inexperienced with death, at the end of the book, I had totally missed how God had blessed Job when he restored his family and wealth by also fulfilling Job's need to get back to meaningful work.
Walk through Job with me to see what a wonderful resource God has preserved for us to help us remain faithful to him during times of sorrow, and so we can offer better comfort to those in pain.
Job: A Parent Who Grieved for His Children
When parents' grief for a lost child thrusts them into emotional trauma and doubt about the very purpose of life, the story of Job reveals previously hidden insights. Job was an exceedingly rich man who had seven sons and three daughters. His children evidently enjoyed each other, as when each brother had a birthday, he would invite all his siblings to his house to celebrate. (1:2-4)
After each celebration, Job, a caring and loving father, would get up early in the morning to offer sacrifices for each child. He said, “Perhaps my sons have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (1:5) Job knew firsthand the concerns of parents who pray repeatedly for their children, to ask for God's blessings that they will be safe and make wise decisions.
Remember how Satan chided God that Job served him only because God blessed him. Then he taunted God, “Touch all that he has; he will surely curse Thee to Thy face.” God allowed Satan to take away Job's children and wealth. (1:6-12)
On the oldest son's birthday, one of Job's servants ran to him, “Your sons and your daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and behold, a great wind came from across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people and they died; and I alone have escaped to tell you.”
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshipped. (1:18-20) Before the death of a child, it is easy to minimize Job's grief for his sons and daughters, but he was a real man suffering searing pain that only grieving parents understand. While Job did not know about Satan's role in the death of his children, he remained steadfast in his devotion to God.
Thus, when Satan's challenge didn't work, he told God, “Skin for skin,” and implied that Job would quit serving God if he suffered physically. To test him further, God permitted Satan to inflict him with boils from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Job put on sackcloth and smeared himself with ashes as he endured physical and emotional misery. (2:1-8)
Then his wife, who shared his grief at the loss of their children, said, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!” (2:9) Job's answer reveals that he wasn't just longing to die at this point, but was actually "digging" for death and cursing the day of his birth. Her admonition seems to be, “Why do you keep wishing for death? God has abandoned us! Commit suicide by cursing God!” This is similar to people who try to die today by "suicide by cop."
Obviously, Job's wife was not dealing very well with her own grief. She had lost her children and her financial standing. Now, in effect, she had also lost the support of her husband because all he could do was struggle to ease the great physical pain that wracked his body by continually scraping his boils.
Job replied, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” In all this, he did not sin with his lips. However, while he rejected the thought of suicide, he cursed his birth, “Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire? Why did the knees receive me, and why the breasts, that I should suck?” (3:1-19)
Questioning the purpose of his life, he asked why he even woke up in the mornings and begged to die. “Why is light given to him who suffers, and life to the bitter of soul; who long for death, but there is none, who dig for it more than for hidden treasures; who rejoice greatly, they exult when they find the grave?” (3:20-26) He concluded, “I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.” Every grieving parent recognizes vividly Job's anguish and his desire to go be with his children.
Job's three friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar heard about his tragedies and traveled a long distance to see him. When they saw how horribly he suffered, they sat down with him and didn't open their mouths for seven days. Surely, they were thinking how they could comfort him. Instead, when they spoke, they rebuked him. “God wouldn't punish you if you hadn't been wicked. What have you done to deserve this?”
Job came back, “I'm doing everything I should. I'm not a sinner.”
The major part of the book of Job describes how these three friends criticized Job and his answers to them. After a while, their accusations overwhelmed him, and he really did sin. He began to blame God. “God reached down and touched me with his finger. He just looked down and punished me.”
Then God sent Elihu, a young man, to Job and his three friends. His anger burned. “I shouldn't have to say this to you because you're older and should know better, but you men don't know what you're talking about. Without evidence, you're accusing Job of something he didn't do.” (32)
Next Elihu turned to Job, “You do the same thing. You accuse God of mistreating you without evidence. You cry, 'Why me?' and neglect to look for what God is trying to teach you. Do you think you are more righteous and more just than God? Be careful; do not turn to evil. Do you prefer a life of evil deeds, than to suffer affliction?” (36:21-23)
Elihu exclaimed God's wonders in the heavens to introduce God. (37:21-24) Then the Lord answered Job in a whirlwind, “Do you even understand how lightning works? Do you understand the basic elements of the universe? I created the world and understand things you don't begin to comprehend. If I know what I'm doing in the world, do you think I know what I'm doing in the realm of suffering? You know so much, instruct me! Where were you when I created the world? Who made the sea and the clouds? Do you command the morning and cause the dawn to know its place?” (38) Asking question after question, God dared Job, “Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God answer it.” (40:1) Job clasped his hand to his mouth. “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to Thee? I will say no more.” Finally, he repented, “I know that thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted.” (40:4; 42:2)
Then God rebuked Job's three friends because, “You have not spoken of Me what is right.” He instructed them to prepare sacrifices and to ask Job to pray for them that God might forgive them. Ironically, the one they accused of great sin because of his suffering, made intercession for them with God. (42:7-9)
God restored Job's fortunes twofold. “Then all his brothers, and all his sisters, and all who had known him before, came to him, and they ate bread with him in his house; and they consoled him and comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought on him.” (42:10-11) Even though he would give Job seven more sons and three more daughters, God recognized that Job still needed to complete the mourning process for the children he'd lost. Thus, his family and friends emphasized with him. “Console” contains the idea of “nodding the head” in sympathy for a great calamity. “Comfort” refers to “breathing deeply,” hence a physical display of one's compassion. Rather than offering platitudes of ignorance that depress those who grieve, they cried and moaned with him, giving him true comfort by sharing his anguish in the depths of their beings.
While Job's three friends initially came for this very purpose, they stayed to chastise him to the point that they added to his misery and provoked him to blame God. (2:11) However, God didn't forget Job's emotional pain and needs. He allowed Job to go through the grieving process with his family and friends.
The happy ending is not that he got his wealth back and more children to love, but that he found purpose to life again in taking care of his flocks and enjoying his grandchildren, four generations. But oh, what a hard journey of conquering doubts and sorting out the purpose of life! After that he could say, “Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…I have heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear; but now my eye sees Thee.” (42:3-5)
Grief for a child pushes parents to search for the meaning of life and to review their relationship to God and others, just as Satan forced Job to do. They must deliberately work at appreciating God's wonder in designing the universe and his infinite love for his people in times of sorrow. Finally, like Job, they can begin to see deep in their hearts that God understands their agony as he wraps his arms around them in loving protection so that they can once again find meaning to living. Without facing the normal problems of life through God's word, it is impossible to truly see the magnificent wisdom of God.
Suggestions for Consoling Others After a Death and Offering Comfort
Dear Abby advises the world, “When you don't know what to say, just say, 'I'm sorry for your loss.'” Very bad advice! Just ask anyone who has gone through a significant loss what they think of those words. About the fifth time someone makes that statement, it starts to sound hollow, no matter how sincere the person making it is and no matter how much that person is trying to offer comfort. The statement quickly becomes a burden to those in grief.
It is common for when a grieving person ventures out to some public gathering to begin tasting life again that many people feel compelled to run up to him or her and say, “I'm so sorry for your loss.” Before long, the event that was welcomed as a distraction from sorrow has only deepened the depression. If everyone is descending on the grieving person at a social event, give the person a break and don't say anything about the loss. Talk about the event. Give them a loving smile. They are there to forget for a short time, respect that.
Instead of a popular platitude, the grieving person would welcome a hug and a simple, “I love you,” or "My heart goes out to you," or "I'm praying for you and your family," or just a hug without words and the pressing of cheeks or a simple squeezing of the hand. If you don't know what to say, then don't say anything. That's okay. Your presence means a lot. Just send them a sympathy card and tell the family that you care and they are in your prayers.
Don't tell the parents you know how they feel because you know how you would feel if you lost a child. You might imagine how you would feel; but face it, you don't know; you don't have a clue until you experience it. Rather, say, “I don't know how you feel, but I'm praying for you, because this has to be extremely hard.”
Don't get in the person's face and engage him or her in a long discussion about the death unless the person indicates a desire to talk about it with you. Even if you're a relative, keep it short, or ask if the person feels like talking about it.
Grieving people remember those who came in private to put their arms around them, or who called them on the phone to cry with them. Everyone is not close enough for this. Job's brothers, sisters, and all who had known him before came for this purpose.
If you don't know what to say, don't listen to Dear Abby. Just press the person's cheek or squeeze the hand. Say nothing, or “I love you,” or “You're in my thoughts,” or “I'm praying for you.” If you can, share a happy memory of the lost one and let the parents know you won't forget their loved one. Their loved one being forgotten is the greatest fear of those who are grieving.
This essay is available at the website: gospelthemes.com.
Read some of these essays by Patsy Rae Dawson to see how she approaches the problems of life by turning to God's wisdom in the scriptures:Male and Female: God's Genius! A tremendous amount of evidence surfaced in recent years to prove God's genius in designing the male's and the female's bodies and minds and the way they work together.
Why God's People Make the Best Lovers: Surveys prove that practicing God's rules for lovemaking liberates both the man and the woman for total rapture in the arms of the mate.
Adultery & Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage: Sexual sin is rapidly becoming the number-one marriage problem facing Christians, but God offers a 3-part formula for overcoming it.
Safe Sex: What They Don't Tell You: Since public schools leave God out of sex education, the subject is approached from the viewpoint of a person who just wants to have fun without consideration of God's laws.
The Victims of Victorian Morals: Chapter 3 in Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers shows how Victorian morals continue to victimize sexual love and to cheat countless couples out of the truly happy relationship God desires.
Would you like to learn more about Patsy Rae Dawson's publications? Visit our Bookstore and Free Online Materials.
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These electronically-transmitted pages are copyrighted © 2007 by Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson. All rights reserved. You are free to download this electronic material for personal use, to make copies to share with others, or to mirror on your local web site, with the following restrictions:
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Copyright
All scripture quotations are taken from The New American Standard Bible, © 1960-1977 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson.
Publisher
Gospel Themes Press
2028 South Austin Street Suite 906
Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA
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