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Marriage Inventory
10 Questions to Help Take Your Marriage to a New Level

Patsy Rae Dawson

I attended a 3-day professional seminar where I met Bob, who gave me permission to share two of his e-mails if I would protect his identity. Below is the exciting turning point of his marriage.

My bags were packed, I was meeting with a divorce lawyer, and I was searching for a place to live...Then I took your Marriage Inventory...

Copyright © 2008 by Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson.
The two e-mails from "Bob" are used by permission. See Rights Notice below.
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"Read to my wife until 3:00 a.m.--Inspired us to our core"
Marriage Enrichment Teacher

I started reading your first book to my wife and about 3:00 AM we decided it was time to try and go to sleep. My wife and I have read numerous books in our 31 years of marriage; however, your material has inspired us to the core of our being like no other books on this subject have. Patsy, thank you again and may the LORD bless and prosper your ministry as you share your beautiful scripturally balanced needful message in this hour.

"These books changed my life"
Florida Christian

These books changed my life. The author is an expository teacher and explains what GOD says in the Greek or Hebrew. It's not her "advice," but it's God's advice. I would have to say they are the best books on marriage I have ever read. I buy them again and again and always end up giving them away. I wish I was rich and could buy a big stack of them to give to everyone I know. They are such a radical divergence from everything else on the market. Imagine going straight to God’s word for help and healing in your marriage...what a novel idea!!!!

Here's the whole story starting at the beginning. Soon after I returned home from the seminar, Bob e-mailed me:

Patsy,

I apologize for not being more personable and prepared at the event. I had several personal, painful problems leading up to it culminating with my decision to end my seven-year marriage upon arriving home.

So, I just wasn't myself but I'll be OK, not sure why I feel so safe sharing this with you, but I do.

Bob (I changed his name and how long he's been married.)

I e-mailed him back and asked if he'd be willing to take a “Marriage Inventory” to help clarify his thinking. When he said yes, I sent it to him. He responded:
Patsy,

Here's what happened…last night my wife and I decided to split up - well I really decided to give up and leave (long story). I just felt that I couldn't continue and had to move out - she cried, I cried, we talked a little and went to our separate corners with her and I both convinced it was finally over.

I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned, and then went to the computer thinking I'd write her a letter. But first I checked my email and there's your Marriage Inventory. I figure OK let's try this...I print it out and read the stories and go through it.

Reading the questions, I realize that we have no “real” big problems we can't overcome.

We've both been faithful, non violent, non abusive - affection or connection and time together may be lacking, a compelling vision for our future together has maybe been lacking and we sure could use some communication improvement. But all of these can be fixed with some time and attention.

I realized there are no big deal breakers in our relationship, so I wrote her a letter, (first I reread some of my letters that I sent her when we first got together)...I shared my heart and my frustrations and concerns - I woke her at two am and read the letter to her - I love her - she loves me - I felt alone and so did she - etc.

There's a bunch more to the story and together we've fought through a lot, but I didn't think she cared anymore. Now I know she does, and the best part is she wants it to work...and so do I.

We've decided to go on a marriage retreat weekend together to help us refocus, rebuild, and to try to heal our wounds to get a fresh start.

How's that for a turnaround and a testimony?

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time out to help me and I feel truly blessed that God put us together at this time in my life. My deepest and sincere appreciation, for you have been an angel who descended into my life and helped me when I needed it most.

In gratitude and love,

Bob

PS It blows me away how this worked out - my bags were packed, I scheduled a meeting with a divorce lawyer and I was searching for a new place to live but I guess God had other plans…thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Here's the Marriage Inventory I sent Bob. See what you think:

Marriage Inventory
Patsy Rae Dawson

Why I Use a Marriage Inventory

About five years after I'd written Marriage: A Taste of Heaven, Vol. I: God's People Appreciate Marriage, a woman showed up at our door. She said, “I know your mother, and she told me about your marriage book. Can I come in and talk to you and your husband?”

We invited her in. She proceeded to tell us how horrible her husband and his family were. His brother was in jail for murdering his wife, and on and on she spun the gory details. Three times I interrupted her, “Why are you here? Can we get to the question?”

Each time, she replied, “I'm getting there, you need to know this.” That was at the height of the Dallas TV saga of J.R.'s scandalous behavior and Bobby's naïve innocence. She rattled off enough material for me to write at least ten episodes.

After a couple of hours my husband said, “This is Wednesday, and I need to teach a class. I can only give you thirty more minutes.” She finally got to the point: She had committed adultery and her husband planned to divorce her. She wanted to know if there was any way to save her marriage, and if they did divorce, what did her future hold.

I thought, If he's so rotten, why do you want him to take you back? She seemed to think the two hours of slandering her husband and his family somehow justified her unfaithfulness. She left us with only thirty minutes do deal with major problems. We never saw her again.

Three Lessons I Learned From That Experience

  1. Set time limits up front. I can always add more time if I need to.
  2. While the appalling history might create an interesting TV series, it seldom adds anything to solving the actual problems.
  3. When the he-said-she-said is taken out, most marriage problems can be reduced to one or two issues that can be answered with classic solutions. The main exceptions are long-term spouse abuse and sexual addictions that have progressed into cluster sins.

Getting to the Point Produces Results

Over the years, I've found that skipping the drama and focusing on the problems works well. For instance, a lady called and asked to come discuss her husband's adultery, stating it was the second time in many years that he'd visited a prostitute. I told her, “Before you come, go online and read my booklet “Adultery and Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage.”

When she arrived, the first thing she said was, “Where do I begin?”

I verified that she'd read the booklet then said, “I have just one question for you. The first time your husband committed adultery, did you handle it properly?”

She said, “No.” We spent the rest of our time customizing the homework in the booklet for her and setting up time frames to accomplish each part. I wrote down what I expected her to complete by the time we met again. To this day, I know none of the horrific details. She labeled it as the second episode of adultery and that was all I needed to help her find peace within herself and to begin working on saving her marriage. The painful details belonged to her and her husband to work their way through. My job was to offer hope and to help her develop the skills to make that journey with her husband. I didn't need to dig around in their private injury.

Sometimes the various elements are important, but frequently they contribute nothing to solving the problem. So I've devised the short “Marriage Inventory” to help get to the core of the matter.

10 Questions to Help Take Your Marriage to a New Level

The questions don't cover all possible marriage issues, just 10 major areas that can spawn lots of conflict. The examples in parenthesis reflect the beginning of each problem rather than years of build up. If the marriage has progressed beyond the beginning stages, the questions should still be answered in the affirmative.

This can be seen in "4. Does your marriage have physical abuse in it?" where slapping and pinching may have progressed to sending the mate to the emergency room. The questions are not about the degree of the problem, but simply determining the target area where the focus needs to go. This inventory is based on over 35 years of my working with both men and women. Check everyone who does each of these things in all applicable areas whether in the beginning stage or more advanced:

  1. Does your marriage have emotional neglect in it? (Each going his or her own way, not listening or sharing, too busy to spend time together, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  2. Does your marriage have sexual neglect in it? (Where one person is climbing the wall because the other withholds sexual affection?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  3. Does your marriage have verbal abuse in it? (Name calling, cursing, ridiculing a person's looks or actions, yelling, judging motives, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  4. Does your marriage have physical abuse in it? (Throwing things, pushing or shoving, slapping, pinching, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  5. Does your marriage have adultery in it? (Past or current that is part of the problem?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  6. Does your marriage have sexual abuse in it? (Expecting the other to perform acts that make him or her uncomfortable emotionally or physically, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  7. Does your marriage have sexual addiction in it? (Using visualization, porn, or phone sex along with self-gratification, may become so compulsive that it interferes with one's work and siphons off money, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  8. Does your marriage have parental-dysfunction issues? (Pushing unsolicited advice, trying to manage the adult child's life, snubbing the child's mate, expecting the child to be on call, overwhelming elder care, incest, verbal or physical abuse, etc.?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  9. Does your marriage have venting and seeking emotional rescue in it instead of problem solving? (More complaining and ranting while expecting to be catered to than working to actually overcome problems?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none
  10. Does your marriage have searches for solutions, new skills, and accountability in it? (Working to change thinking and behavior for lasting changes?)
    [ ] spouse [ ] you [ ] both [ ] none

 

After the Inventory, What I'd Ask You to Read Before We Talk

I've put a lot of material on our Web site so I don't have to keep saying the same things repeatedly in dealing with classic problems. Just like I sent the lady, whose husband was on his second round of adultery, to my booklet on “Adultery and Sexual Addiction,” here's where I'd send you if you selected some of the problems above.

1. Emotional Neglect

This is a very common problem in our way-too-busy world that appears at different stages of our marriages. Discover how God designed men and women to support and balance each other in “Male and Female: God's Genius!” Restoring the emotional balance in a marriage usually produces results very quickly and creates an environment that makes it easier to solve more difficult problems. Read "Male and Female" at gospelthemes.com/genius.htm.

2. Sexual Neglect

We're not that far away from the influence of Victorian morals and the idea that lovemaking, even in marriage, is somehow dirty--still a very common problem for both husbands and wives. Consider “Why God's People Make the Best Lovers” as you examine secular surveys that prove Christians do make the best lovers. See God's plan for glorious lovemaking and his law of compatibility that recognizes the needs of both husbands and wives. Just because a spouse may sexually neglect the other, that's no guarantee he or she is adultery proof. Failure to understand God's design for speaking a beautiful language of love in the other's arms can lead to temptation and greater heartache down the road. Read "Why Best Lovers" at gospelthemes.com/lovers.htm.

3. Verbal Abuse

Many people excuse verbal abuse as, “That's just the way I am when I get mad” or “We're married, now I can be myself.” Read “The Verbal Abuse in This House Is Gone! It's Just Gone!” to see how one wife dealt with vile names, breaking things, and the silent treatment to intimidate her into ignoring a sexual problem. Read "Verbal Abuse Is Gone" at gospelthemes.com/ff-noverbalabuse.htm. Be aware that physical abuse nearly always started out as verbal abuse.

4. Physical Abuse

If allowed to continue unchecked, physical abuse frequently gets much worse and is harder to stop. This major problem should be dealt with seriously.

  • Take the “Survey on Spouse Abuse and Domestic Violence Among Christians” to determine the level of verbal and physical abuse in your marriage and help assess how dangerous your situation is. Fill out the "Survey" at gospelthemes.com/survey.htm.
  • Then check out the resources at the “Spouse Abuse Among Christians FAQ” page for both secular help and peer pressure within the church. If physical violence has been threatened or has occurred, please call the national domestic violence hotline and find out what you need to do to stay safe. You'll find the toll-free number at "Spouse Abuse FAQs" at gospelthemes.com/abuse.htm.
  • Don't skip “Warning! 3 Levels of Sin--3 Levels of Restoration” to alert you to dangerous marital situations and to help protect yourself if need be. Please do not minimize your gut instincts and take the proper precautions to be safe and to protect your children. Read the "Warning" at gospelthemes.com/chall3levels.htm.

5. Adultery, 6. Sexual Abuse, and 7. Sexual Addiction

The unsolicited availability of porn on TV, the Internet, and in spam has greatly increased the incidents of these problems. Teenagers can quickly become addicted and carry these problems into their marriages. These issues are secretly rampant among many Christians.

  • Read “Adultery and Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage” to get past saying, “I'm sorry” or “I forgive you” and to adultery or sexual-addiction proof your marriage. One husband wrote, “This is the first time I've felt loved, and that I had hope for overcoming this addiction.” Read "A Plan for Healing" at gospelthemes.com/asa.htm.
  • Go to the “Song of Solomon: God's Sex Education for ages 11 to 99 FAQ” page to experience just how much God loves and cares for his people's sexual happiness and offers solutions. Read "God's Sex Education FAQs" at gospelthemes.com/songfaq.htm.

8. Parental Domination

This problem magnifies all other issues and leads to anger and resentment for both the adult child and the mate. It may interfere with a couple developing or maintaining a healthy emotional and sexual bond with each other. Many adult children carry childhood scars (maybe even open wounds) along with undeserved guilt from family alcoholism or drug use, narcissism, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, and verbal and physical abuse.

In addition, the burden of elder care may accentuate these upbringing defects and place added stress on the marriage. Such children may need to seek solution-oriented books plus attend support groups or counseling. Also, working on any of the above inventory areas where their pain contributes to dysfunction gives relief and strength to deal with the parental issues. God's command to the first married couple was to put their marriage first over parents--leaving and cleaving.

9. Venting and Seeking Emotional Rescue

Choosing venting without problem solving in marriage leads to bitterness and anger against the mate. For example, often wives easily recognize other women in abusive marriages and form their own private sympathizing groups. Unfortunately, this husband bashing usually serves to put the marriage on life-support--keeping the marriage alive in name only while the wife fights for emotional survival. The longer abuse continues unchecked, the more dangerous it becomes and the harder it is to stop it. All physical abuse starts with verbal abuse. Husband abuse is a well-kept secret.

Likewise, some men frequently recognize other sexually-starved husbands and engage in their own wife bashing that views the problem as hopeless--“that's just the way women are so get used to it.” While venting offers some relief and support from just knowing one is not alone in his or her feelings, it does not solve legitimate marriage problems. A lack of sexual love in a marriage leads to emotional coldness in the later years when the hormones slow down and give physical relief.

In the early years of working with others, my husband and I watched two seasoned Christians try to help someone using the “vent and rescue” approach. The first was a preacher and his wife who placed themselves on call to a young couple with serious marriage problems. The couple frequently called them in the middle of the night to referee their fights. This scenario went on for over 10 years until finally the husband was killed in a car accident. The wife turned to prostitution. All the hours, mental anguish, and exhaustion accomplished nothing with this couple who stayed trapped in their selfish immaturity.

The other counselor was a mature, experienced woman whose neighbor asked for help with her marriage problems. Instead of solutions, the neighbor simply wanted to run to the Christian's house and rant about what was going on in her own home. The older woman always calmly talked her down from her high agitation. These on-call emotional fixes went on for over five years with absolutely no change in the neighbor's behavior or resolution of any of the underlying problems.

Sometimes venting is advised when taking care of aged parents. However, the best support groups for Alzheimer's and other dementia is perhaps to vent and to discover that one's anger is normal, then to quickly move on to learning skills for managing the distressing aspects of the disease, developing a sense of humor, and perhaps for even backing away from it without guilt.

Competent professional counselors recognize that couples often want to just vent and do not allow it to go on past the fact gathering stage. Once they understand the nature of the problem, they begin working on solutions.

10. Searches for Solutions, New Skills, and Accountability

While the human tendency is to want to put into effect one solution to solve everything, it seldom works that way. Big marriage problems are usually solved through the implementation of lots of little things. Clusters of small changes make big differences. For example, verbal abuse magnifies all marriage problems. It closes the door to effective communication and intimidates the abused spouse to hide problems rather than bringing them out into the open to be solved. This leads to bitterness and anger.

No matter what the marriage problem is, learning how to fight fair and how to communicate on an adult level creates an environment that makes it easier for each partner to act their best and to face the normal problems of each stage of life. Someone aptly said:

We spend the first 20 years of our life growing up physically.
We spend the next 20 years growing up emotionally.
We spend the next 20+ years enjoying the fruit of growing up.

Having observed many marriages for nearly 45 years, I suspect there aren't many, non-dysfunctional marriages in the first 20 years--only well-kept secrets. Unfortunately, many couples do not use those years to grow up and learn how to solve problems which locks their marriages in immaturity.

Learning how to live with someone with different ideas, needs, and desires from our own forces us to lose our self-centeredness and to think of others. At the same time, emotional survival insists that we respect our own self-image, needs, and desires, which pushes us to express reasonable expectations from the other to satisfy legitimate needs.

Suggestions for the Marriage Retreat and Follow-up

After Bob took the Marriage Inventory including reading the above supporting material, he sent the e-mail you read earlier about the immediate results he got from just analyzing their problems. I responded:

Bob,

Going on a retreat together sounds like a great idea, and I know you will both come back renewed and committed to each other. The two of you just looking over the different retreats, seminars, etc. and discussing what you'd like to accomplish ought to be a good exercise in itself.

One main danger is that after a couple makes up and starts some initial changes, when the pressure goes off, they can easily drift back to just like it was before. I'd like to recommend some materials for further study to keep the momentum going.

  1. Listen to my CD “Fighting Fair and Facing Anger: Developing Skills to Solve Problems.” The thing I value the most in my marriage is that my husband and I can talk about anything. We can share ourselves, warts and all, knowing the other will work with us and not throw it up later in a disagreement. We started developing that ability by learning how to fight fair. If the two of you work together and openly on it, you'll progress very quickly. Read about "Fighting Fair" at gospelthemes.com/fightfair.htm.

  2. I get positive remarks from both men and women about “The Secret of the Woman of Great Price: The Key to Facing the Problems of Life.” I developed that material after a major spiritual crisis and depression. I had to totally re-examine my relationship with God, my husband, my family, and my relationship to other people's problems that were intruding upon our life together as a preacher's family where we faced the normal problems of a young family plus everyone else's problems. One lady recently wrote that the CD helped her realize that not only are problems a normal part of life, but we should also expect to solve them. Read about "Facing Problems" at gospelthemes.com/cass.htm#wgp.

  3. Then I suggest that you and your wife go through my two Marriage: A Taste of Heaven volumes and do the homework together.

    You can start with Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers if you like. Many couples start there. You'll read medical and psychological evidences that prove repeatedly that the brain is the greatest sexual organ of all--take care of the emotional relationship, and the body will take care of itself. While this information has always been present in the Bible, modern science only discovered it about 25 years ago. Lots of people, after they go through Vol. II, are ready to study Vol. I to add the fine points to the mental union. You can start with either volume.

Over the years, I've found that couples who read the books, do the homework separately, and then discuss their answers together, that their marriages usually make rapid progress. A word of caution, this exercise is not for hashing over what the other does wrong. In fact, such discussion is forbidden at this point. The purpose of this study together is to fine-tune your understanding of God's plan for your marriage in a non-personal, non-accusatory manner.

I've never seen a marriage yet that didn't have room for both partners to make changes. If one of you wants to admit to something you're doing wrong and pledge to change, you can, and that will benefit the marriage. Save the discussions about what the other is doing wrong until after you learn how to fight fair and understand better the Bible's principles for a happy marriage.

I've observed several instances where one mate could not resist using this time to emphasize the flaws in the other. Each time it resulted in the criticized mate losing interest in the study before healthy marriage skills were developed. And in every case, the critical mate seemed totally blind to how he or she contributed to the dyfunction in the marriage. This seems especially true with verbal abusers and sexual addicts. If you learn how to fight fair first, then both of you will develop the skills to stop the blame game in its tracks.

Bottom Line: I've witnessed many times that the people who put the mental work into growing and solving problems get the best and most lasting results. I pray for honest hearts and hard work for both you and your wife. The rewards are worth the effort.

If I can be of further help, let me know,

Patsy

P.S. Bob, your comments gave me the idea to add the two CDs as a FREE bonus to the two Marriage: A Taste of Heaven books so others can easily take advantage of my customizing these assignments for you. Thanks for being willing to share your story. I'll be eager to hear how the retreat turns out.

P.P.S. You might enjoy reading “An Alligator Learns to Make Tea Instead of Hollering” to see how another couple used a marriage retreat and the books. Read about the "Alligator" at gospelthemes.com/ff-alligator.htm.

NOTE: Bob's name and the number of years he has been married were changed to protect his identiy. He gave permission for his story to be shared in hopes that it might encourage others.

The Marriage: A Taste of Heaven series by Patsy Rae Dawson, an awarding-winning author and minister's wife, Vol. I: God's People Appreciate Marriage and Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers, presents the most in-depth treatment of marriage and sexual love available. You can get them from Gospel Themes Press, 2028 South Austin Suite 906, Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA.


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More FREE Marriage and Lovemaking Booklets and Chapters by Patsy Rae Dawson

Male and Female: God's Genius! A tremendous amount of evidence surfaced in recent years to prove God's genius in designing the male's and the female's bodies and minds and the way they work together.

Why God's People Make the Best Lovers: Surveys prove that practicing God's rules for lovemaking liberates both the man and the woman for total rapture in the arms of the mate.

Adultery & Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage: Sexual sin is rapidly becoming the number-one marriage problem facing Christians, but God offers a 3-part formula for overcoming it.

The Victims of Victorian Morals: Chapter 3 in Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers shows how Victorian morals continue to victimize sexual love and to cheat countless couples out of the truly happy relationship God desires.

Rights Notice

These electronically-transmitted pages are copyrighted © 2008 and belong to Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson. All rights reserved. You are free to download this electronic material for personal use, to make copies to share with others, or to mirror on your local web site, with the following restrictions:

Copyright

"Marriage Inventory: 10 Questions to Take Your Marriage to a New Level" by Patsy Rae Dawson contains two e-mails from "Bob" whose name and the number of years he's been married have been changed. They are used by permission.

Publisher

Gospel Themes Press
2028 South Austin Street Suite 906
Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA

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