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One person can totally change the course of arguments--even when the other person doesn't want to fight fair. God gives everyone, including timid wives, bullied husbands, and adult children, the power and right to teach family and friends how to fight fair so real communication can take place.
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"Your material on fighting fair has really opened my eyes. My husband used to punch my buttons with ease. Now I remain calm, and he's confused about why he can't bully his way through to winning an argument." (New York Christian) "I have gone through your Challenges in Marriage tapes and the first thing I realized is that I'm not crazy; that I have been suffering emotional abuse. You have given such biblical and practical helps in this area, and I have begun to practice my "mirror lines" for fighting fair. I realize my situation is not nearly so bad as many. My husband also has many fine qualities and we generally enjoy each other's company as long as we don't get into personal discussions. But I also felt angry that I had put up with so much over the years and felt trapped. I have gone through the tapes twice. Thanks!" (Canadian Christian) |
Often anything goes when problems arise from name calling and ridicule to hurling wild accusations. Some fights escalate into screaming and destroying property. When such actions begin, often one partner retreats from the argument as the subject becomes taboo. The dirty fighter assumes he/she has settled the issue. Instead, the problem lives on in the mind of the capitulating one to build bitterness and anger and dislike for the other. Children who grow up in such homes either learn to scream back or to be codependent with a verbally abusing mate. They falsely believe that fighting like cats and dogs is normal for families, even families claiming to be Christians. Many Christians excuse their behavior with, "That's just the way I am when I get mad," or "Home should be where we can just be ourselves." Fortunately, one person possesses tremendous power to totally change the course of arguments--even if that person is a timid wife or a bullied husband or the adult child of a controlling parent. God filled the Bible with instructions on how to fight fair and face anger.
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Well-Kept Secret Many Women Verbally and Physically Abuse
Their Husbands, Boyfriends, and ChildrenOne wife regularly threw things at her husband, often went after him with the broom, and even chased him down the basement stairs with a skillet of hot gravy. In a separate event, a seventy-year-old wife publicly berated her husband, I ought to slap you; you're so stupid! When asked about the scratches on his face, one young man said, "My girlfriend jumped on my back and clawed me." While these true examples may seem extreme, such women have existed since the beginning of time.
Nearly three thousand years ago, Solomon described the effect of such wives in Proverbs 30:21-23. He said, "Under three things the earth quakes, and under four, it cannot bear up, one of which was an odious woman when she is married. Odious means to hate, an enemy, a foe. And if a man were so unfortunate as to marry a woman full of uncontrolled anger, her contentions were as a constant dripping. He might as well try to hold oil in his hand or try to capture the wind as try to live peacefully with her (Proverbs 27:15-16).
Solomon described the special misery of marrying a verbally abusive woman in Proverbs 21:19:
It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing [angry-KJV] woman.
A Word to Fathers and Mothers
If your mate is verbally abusing you, then in all likelihood your children are suffering from abuse, too. You are the adult in the situation. Your children need you to learn how to fight fair and face anger so you can develop good communication skills to teach to them.One mother went through the Challenges in Marriage material and concentrated on learning to fight fair. She dealt with a verbally abusive husband who called her vile names and constantly judged her motives. She wrote:Our sixteen-year-old daughter told me at one point that I had changed so much in such a short amount of time that there was no way her dad could not have noticed. She said he was probably stunned and confused by it. She was amazed herself. I told her when we get serious about obeying God, He works changes in us beyond what we can even imagine. I knew the Lord was working in me through all this but I was also beginning to see that much work had to be done in my own heart before some things within our marriage could be addressed.
Real Stories from Real People Who've Gone Through This Material
- An Alligator Learns to Make Tea Instead of Hollering
- The Verbal Abuse in This House is Gone! It's Just Gone!
For More Information Read
- Some Battles Are Worth Fighting
- Why Are We Becoming a Nation of Verbal Abusers?
- An Open Letter to Elders & Preachers for Help with Spouse Abuse Among Christians
- Spouse Abuse and Domestic Violence Among Christians FAQ
- Survey on Spouse Abuse and Domestic Violence Among Christians For the Abused and Those Who Help Them--For Both Husband and Wife Abuse
The Marriage: A Taste of Heaven series by Patsy Rae Dawson, an awarding-winning author and minister's wife, Vol. I: God's People Appreciate Marriage and Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers, presents the most in-depth treatment of marriage and sexual love available. You can get them from Gospel Themes Press, 2028 South Austin Suite 906, Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA. Place an order.FREE Marriage and Lovemaking Booklets and Chapters by Patsy Rae Dawson
Male and Female: God's Genius! A tremendous amount of evidence surfaced in recent years to prove God's genius in designing the male's and the female's bodies and minds and the way they work together.
Why God's People Make the Best Lovers: Surveys prove that practicing God's rules for lovemaking liberates both the man and the woman for total rapture in the arms of the mate.
Adultery & Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage: Sexual sin is rapidly becoming the number-one marriage problem facing Christians, but God offers a 3-part formula for overcoming it.
The Victims of Victorian Morals: Chapter 3 in Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers shows how Victorian morals continue to victimize sexual love and to cheat countless couples out of the truly happy relationship God desires.
Would you like to see more of Patsy Rae Dawson's publications? Visit our Bookstore and Free Online Materials.
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