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Shannon stared at the credit card statement. How could her husband, Grant, have charged $46,000 worth of merchandise?"If you'd been a good wife and really supported me, I wouldn't have done this," Grant gritted his teeth. "It's all your fault I needed this outlet."
Grant had just given the typical response of an emotional abuser. Copyright © 2007 by Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson.
This story is a composite of e-mails from a woman studying the "How to Fight Fair and Face Anger" audio lesson
in Challenges in Marriage: What to Do When Sin Inhibits Love. It is used by permission. See Rights Notice below.
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Shannon and Grant's Story |
Shannon e-mailed back:
It's strange that you ask that. My husband was recently fired from his job, and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the way he talks to other people.I've been very unhappy with my husband and blaming him for everything. But reading your marriage books and listening to your material convinced me that I'm doing a lot of things wrong myself. I'm going to start working on my attitudes and actions.
From time to time, I'd hear from Shannon. She would ask questions and tell me how she was doing. She had learned a lot and could see some progress in her marriage. She decided to risk asking Grant to read my book on marriage and to encourage him to listen to the class “False Arguments About Subjection that Keep Wives Submissive to Sin.” Offended that she thought he was abusive, Grant agreed to listen, but never did.
However, he began reading the book, and his verbal abuse increased, “I thought you ought to be doing some things you're not, and right here it says you should. If you were a better wife, we'd have a good marriage.”
She replied, “The book is primarily to women, and if it taught mainly men, it'd be just as hard on them. You need to listen to the lesson about leadership that exposes what men do wrong.”
Shannon e-mailed me again. I suggested she ask Grant to read the four chapters on subjection and leadership where I balanced the woman's and the man's halves to avoid the very problem she experienced.
While Grant promised to listen or read the material pertaining to men, he never did. Instead, he stayed with the material directed toward wives to criticize her. Shannon wrote about one section from the book that he used to browbeat her. Right across the page was the supporting and balancing half of the man's role. If Grant had read the whole segment, he couldn't have missed it. I assured Shannon that God didn't obligate wives to answer false accusations, that she need only say, “You're missing the point. I'm not going to get into a discussion about it with you.”
As Grant continued to blame Shannon for everything, as is common with verbal abusers, she said, “I'm convicted that I need to make changes to be pleasing to God. And although my husband is making this difficult, I'm going to keep working on myself.”
This went on until she did what a counselor describes as “something so outrageous as to embarrass an alligator.” He observed that a woman will try for years to get her husband's attention about problems. The husband refuses to listen. Finally, the wife becomes so beaten down that she overreacts to a small incident. Then…she has her husband's full attention. However, by then, the woman has become mentally exhausted and emotionally hardened. She often refuses to work on the marriage any more.
The husband sits crying in the counselor's office, desperate to save his marriage, while the wife remains stone faced, ready for either emotional or actual divorce.
Here's what happened: Shannon tried to discuss a problem with Grant. He pressed his mental games of besting her. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” she screamed, running from the house.
The alligator's jaw dropped open in surprise and embarrassment, then alarm. Grant thought she would divorce him and hurried to the computer to order my book. He was ready to do what he should have been doing all along--to study about his role.
Pondering what to do about her marriage, Shannon stayed with a friend for two days. She realized she missed Grant and wanted to save the marriage.
After Shannon returned home, both admitted they were committed to each other. They agreed to read my book and work together on the assignments. Grant and Shannon took a weekend trip where they enjoyed each other for the first time in years.
When Shannon e-mailed me that they were going to study together, I cautioned, “This is not a time for either of you to point out what the other is doing wrong. The study exercises are for fine-tuning your understanding of God's word about marriage and for discussing what the passages and words mean. A time will come later to talk about problems, but this is not it.”
Unfortunately, Grant continued to focus on what Shannon did. He refused to do the homework at the end of each chapter where the questions deal with both the husband's and the wife's roles. In spite of this, Shannon recognized that she had made progress and life was slowly getting better. She persevered.
They attended a weekend marriage retreat where they enjoyed each other's company and learned much about relationships. The male retreat leader emphasized the husband's role in marriage. He told them, “Read lots of marriage books together, but you are forbidden to talk about what the other is doing wrong. You can only talk about what you're doing wrong.”
At last, Grant seemed to understand that he needed to work on his role. A happy Shannon rediscovered the funny, caring, generous man she fell in love with many years ago.
Soon after that, Grant brought her a tray of hot tea with milk and sugar. Shannon said, “Oh, what a thoughtful surprise.”
“I saw that you left the tea kettle boiling. I realized I had two choices. I could either holler at you, or I could make you tea. I decided to make you tea,” he said.
Shannon smiled, “Making me tea will cause me to try harder to remember when I leave the tea kettle on than hollering ever would.”
This wife persisted in understanding and practicing her role, and the alligator finally learned how to make tea out of an irritation.
NOTE: The names and certain details have been changed to protect the identify of the wife who gave permission for her story to be shared in hopes that it might encourage others.
Real Stories from Real People Who've Gone Through This Material
For More Information Read
- Some Battles Are Worth Fighting
- Why Are We Becoming a Nation of Verbal Abusers?
- An Open Letter to Elders & Preachers for Help with Spouse Abuse Among Christians
- Spouse Abuse and Domestic Violence Among Christians FAQ
- Survey on Spouse Abuse and Domestic Violence Among Christians For the Abused and Those Who Help Them--For Both Husband and Wife Abuse
The Marriage: A Taste of Heaven series by Patsy Rae Dawson, an awarding-winning author and minister's wife, Vol. I: God's People Appreciate Marriage and Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers, presents the most in-depth treatment of marriage and sexual love available. You can get them from Gospel Themes Press, 2028 South Austin Suite 906, Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA. Place an order.More FREE Marriage and Lovemaking Booklets and Chapters by Patsy Rae Dawson
Male and Female: God's Genius! A tremendous amount of evidence surfaced in recent years to prove God's genius in designing the male's and the female's bodies and minds and the way they work together.
Why God's People Make the Best Lovers: Surveys prove that practicing God's rules for lovemaking liberates both the man and the woman for total rapture in the arms of the mate.
Adultery & Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage: Sexual sin is rapidly becoming the number-one marriage problem facing Christians, but God offers a 3-part formula for overcoming it.
The Victims of Victorian Morals: Chapter 3 in Vol. II: God's People Make the Best Lovers shows how Victorian morals continue to victimize sexual love and to cheat countless couples out of the truly happy relationship God desires.
Rights Notice
These electronically-transmitted pages are copyrighted © 2007 and belong to Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson. All rights reserved. You are free to download this electronic material for personal use, to make copies to share with others, or to mirror on your local web site, with the following restrictions:
- The material must remain intact and unmodified from the form supplied here, including header and footer and their graphics, copyright notice, the URL and postal addresses.
- You may not charge for this material. If you have any questions about using this material, please contact the publisher at gtp@gospelthemes.com.
Copyright
"An Alligator Learns to Make Tea Instead of Hollering" is a composite of e-mails from a student who practiced the "How to Fight Fair and Face Anger" audio lesson in Challenges in Marriage: What to Do When Sin Inhibits Love by Patsy Rae Dawson © 1990, 2007 by Patsy Rae Dawson and Samuel G. Dawson. It is used by permission.
Publisher
Gospel Themes Press
2028 South Austin Street Suite 906
Amarillo, TX 79109-1960 USA
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